I have been following the blog of a mom whose son has recently been arrested and jailed. She wants to wrap her child in her arms. She wants to "save" him from harm. She is me and every mom who pours her heart out , hoping that her written words will somehow heal her child and her soul.  I so wish that was what it takes. That we write to the universe and the universe responds and heals our child and us and our families.  It is not so. But, to be able to write our anguish and love in some ways does heal. We share to those who need to know they are not alone, we reach out , we connect. It's not a cure, but it is a comfort.

Clean

My son is clean. Oh, don't get excited folks. He is clean because he has been in county jail for almost two months. The month before he was incarcerated was very, very bad.  I could have done a zillion posts during all that time but regurgitating the drama that has been my life lately is just not my style.
I have been on a cleaning frenzy since he was arrested. A much needed one at that . While cleaning last weekend, I came across a newspaper clipping I had kept from 2006 which announced that he had been accepted into a prestigious fashion design school on the west coast.
I looked at that face smiling out from the article and flashed to the face I had just seen a few days ago. It did not compute.

To the parents in my town and every other town

My son is an addict
Your son is not
They went to the same school
Played on the same sports team
They both excelled at it
My son won numerous art awards
He was a gifted musician
He got good grades
Your son did the same
If your son had became an addict
Would you have questioned your parenting skills?
You bet you would have
I do it every , single , damn day
If your son had become an addict
Would you avoid me and your looks of pity ?
You bet you would have
If your son had become an addict
Would you have called me and asked if I needed to talk?
No, but if the shoe was on the other foot...
You bet I WOULD HAVE

Loss

My daughter has such anger in her for her brother. Yet, sometimes her bravado breaks down and I see    that although she is angry, there is still love. She was telling me about being at her boyfriend's school the other night and watching this concert thing they have. Different groups perform and she was telling me about one in particular . Mom, the singer was terrible but the guitarist was really talented. He was "Kevin" talented. My heart wept silently for both their losses. His not knowing how his sister admires his talent and loves him but cannot show it and hers for the loss of  her big brother who admires her as well but cannot show it .

Happy Birthday

Today is my daughters 21st birthday.  She has been a passenger on my sons addiction roller coaster all of her teenage life.  She has done without, both physically and emotionally while I enabled and tried to fix her brother. Right now, things are very bad with his situation. She has been my rock lately. She always seems to provide me with just what I need to be able to get up every day and move forward. She doesn't realize she is doing it either. I'm proud of the fine young woman she has become.  I'm grateful for her strength and her sense of humor. I don't tell her that enough.

Shutting it down for now.

Celebrating with an emotional cocktail

I read the phrase "emotional cocktail" in a post today and it seems very appropriate in regard to my thoughts about the upcoming holiday. A lot of people will be hosting parties on the fourth or this weekend where family will be gathered and everyone will enjoy food and some type of "cocktails".
As a parent of an addicted loved one, although I am looking forward to the family party this weekend I will be partaking of several " emotional cocktails " while there. It will be great to see my family, especially my nieces and nephews that I see less and less often as they grow up and move on with their lives. Lives that are so foreign to me compared to the life my son has chosen. I find joy in their successes and savor the sweet emotional cocktail that brings. I will watch my daughter enjoy being with her cousins and be wishing that her brother was there to share that with her. The emotional cocktail of his absence and the memory of times when he was there laughing and joking will be bittersweet. I truly hope that one day, he will find his recovery and everyone will be able to " drink in" the presence of the beautiful boy who for now is trapped inside the ugly monster that holds him prisoner. Cheers everyone, and have a wonderful holiday!

Just another day

I have not been blogging a great deal lately. I had wanted to do a post about it being a year since I started this blog but my brain would not come up with anything of substance to say. I would love to say that this year has been all puppies, unicorns, hearts and flowers. There have been good things and not so good things that have occurred. I could re-hash all of it but why?
I am in a pretty good place right now. Stuff happens with Kevin now that used to turn me into a shrieking, crazy lunatic. Not so much now. Yesterday, he walked off his job! He just got an apartment and HE WALKED OFF HIS JOB!  Wow. In the past, my head would have exploded and texts would ensue where I would preach, demand to know why and so forth. But what's the point? Kevin is going to do what he is going to do. He's a man and he has to take care of his business.  After finding out about it I was at the grocery store and I found myself chuckling, thinking of the lunacy I would exhibit about something like that in the past. I am amazed at me and thankful that this year has brought me to a place that I can laugh at the old me.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. I opened my pool and its green. :-( So I am dealing with that. I found a dead squirrel floating in it when I came home from work yesterday!  I face- booked that it was like an episode of Duck Dynasty. All I needed was Phil to come fish it out and for Miss Kay to fry it up for dinner!

It's an F'd up world........

Ron at parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com alerted me to the new products that Urban Outfitters has come up with. They are about as wonderful as the Olsen twins bag that has pills all over it.

He urged everyone to e mail the CEO richard.hayne@urbanout.com and let him know what marketing geniuses they are.

Here is my e mail response to him that I wrote before I went to bed and prayed for my son.

I understand that sometimes retailers have to be "on trend" in order to sell

their products. I guess your genius marketing staff thinks that tapping into the

prescription drug abuse trend may be the ticket to great sales and profits. I

just hope you and your marketing idiots can sleep at night knowing that you are

perpetuating the rampant use of prescription drugs of our young people. I will

say a little prayer that you or one of your misinformed lackeys never has to

experience the horror of seeing a young person you love becoming a slave to the

addiction monster. What you see as a marketing tool is a constant reminder to me

that my loved one is in the grips of a profound sickness that people such as

yourself exploit for financial gain, just like drug companies who fund sites

that preach awareness but still profit off those who abuse their product.

Pleasant dreams sir.

Just when you think it's safe........

Ok, cue the theme from Jaws.........
I made a comment on addictionjournal.net's blog that my son was being abstinent but not working a recovery program. I said I had hoped he was getting honest with himself and perhaps his abstinence was the first step to getting off the crazy ride.
Yeah....feelings are not facts. I just find out the facts later than sooner since he doesn't live with me.
I still hold out hope that he will find his way but he's not ready I guess. Only he will know when that is.
Me, I am good . I truly have gotten honest with myself that this is his business. I love him unconditionally and that will never change. But, I cannot be Martin Brody scanning the horizon while my son is in the water.
There are no sharks circling me...my seas are calm.

Birthday

A good night!

Birthday Prep

Today is my son's 25th birthday. He is coming over to have dinner. I am  making his favorite meal and bought a banana cream pie for dessert ( He will take all the leftovers back to his place, especially the pie!)
I "prepped" my house before I left work this morning for the celebration. Instead of hanging streamers and balloons, making sure I had birthday plates and napkins and wrapping colorful gifts, I made sure any and all medications are locked up, any liquor was put away upstairs and any important papers and other things of value were upstairs under lock and key as well.
Yesterday, I went to the grocery store and bought him some food staples and some personal hygiene items.
I decided that was the thing I could be ok with doing. No gift cards he can sell and of course, no money.
I feel really good this morning, I am good with what I am doing.
I am going to take Annette's suggestion and write his birth story and give it to him.
I am looking forward to tonight.

THINKING.....

Your birthday is less than a week away

I sit here pondering what to say

Do I reach out and ask if we can share

The day I watched your little eyes stare

At me, your mom, with innocent wonder

Or would asking be a terrible blunder?

 

Am I strong enough to realize

You no longer look back with innocent eyes

When the day is over

Will I let go

Stop searching for a truth that just isn't so?

 

I love you son

With my heart and soul

But these past several years

Have taken it's toll

 

I guess I still have to think this through

Before I can make any plans with you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Struggles

I have been struggling of late regarding my detachment,  sometimes feeling I have taken it too far. I try to maintain some sort of communication with my son, I text him and tell him I love him. Usually, I don't get a response unless there is a request for something involved. The something lately has been a request to move back home. When I state that it is not an option...crickets again. I start to feel selfish. I start second guessing my decision to love him from a distance. I wonder if as he says, I have abandoned him.
Then I think about it......He is working full time,. He has a place to stay and is supposedly working on getting his own place.(It's just not happening as quickly as he thinks it should)  He is getting on with his life. Could I really contribute anything more to what he is doing by himself by having him under my roof? Honestly, I don't think so. I just wish he could see it that way.

The "P" word

I haven't been posting much at all lately. There are so many thoughts swirling around in my brain. I can't seem to lasso them from there to my fingers.
I did choose a word for the year though..
The word is patience.
I didn't choose it because I need to be patient with others ( although I do). I chose it for me. I have realized that I need to be patient with ME.
I am so used to being the fixer , the person who has to be "doing" all the time and the person who for a long time , did not focus on herself.
Now that I am getting that opportunity, I find that I have no patience for me.  I get impatient at me for not having all the answers for me. I find myself telling me that I need to hurry up and get where I want to be.

Puts everything in a whole new perspective.......

Let's go patience
Hurry this stuff
I have things to do
And this waiting is tough!!!

Have a great day. I will patiently wait for mine to get better (hah)

Detachment ?

My son and I have very minimal contact now.
I spoke ( via text ) to him last night. I had texted him on New Years Eve wishing him a happy new year. He did not reply back. Last night his text was about a health issue he is having. At the tail end of the conversation, I asked him why he did not reply to my new year's text. He told me that his new year is not happy so why text back. I said ok and good night and that was the end of the conversation.
I've changed.
It didn't even phase me that he was upset that I would not be drawn into his problems.
I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
I read blogs where parents have detached but still seem more caring and loving than I am feeling right now. They reach out and are able to have loving conversations and even visitations with their addicted loved ones.
I can't seem to do this. I am afraid to let my guard down, even a little. I'm afraid if I do, I will get sucked in.
My son did eat Christmas dinner at my home, but I was ready for him to leave after a couple of hours.
I felt myself getting angry that he was still there. I wanted to go to my sister's as planned and he was prolonging his visit. I had to be the "bad guy" once again and remind him that we had plans and we needed to drop him off.  I could tell he was hurt but I didn't react to his hurt at all.
I guess I am not ready yet. I am getting worried that perhaps I never will be........