Thursday, January 3, 2013

Detachment ?

My son and I have very minimal contact now.
I spoke ( via text ) to him last night. I had texted him on New Years Eve wishing him a happy new year. He did not reply back. Last night his text was about a health issue he is having. At the tail end of the conversation, I asked him why he did not reply to my new year's text. He told me that his new year is not happy so why text back. I said ok and good night and that was the end of the conversation.
I've changed.
It didn't even phase me that he was upset that I would not be drawn into his problems.
I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
I read blogs where parents have detached but still seem more caring and loving than I am feeling right now. They reach out and are able to have loving conversations and even visitations with their addicted loved ones.
I can't seem to do this. I am afraid to let my guard down, even a little. I'm afraid if I do, I will get sucked in.
My son did eat Christmas dinner at my home, but I was ready for him to leave after a couple of hours.
I felt myself getting angry that he was still there. I wanted to go to my sister's as planned and he was prolonging his visit. I had to be the "bad guy" once again and remind him that we had plans and we needed to drop him off.  I could tell he was hurt but I didn't react to his hurt at all.
I guess I am not ready yet. I am getting worried that perhaps I never will be........


Dad and Mom said...

"I love you and always will. I believe in you and when you know it is right you will find help and your new years can be happy again. All over the world every day thousands of people accept recovery and work through the short term pain to become drug free. I hope your day comes soon. When you are ready we I am there for you. Till then know that I love you and believe in you." Sheri, you are never the "bad guy" if you say this or something that fits you. Alex said those words were the thing that he always held on to even when it was horrible.

It's hard to get but I finally understood that detachment is not the same word as abandon. I really struggled with that for a long time.

Summer said...

We also have minimal contact with our son right now. He rarely responds to texts or returns phone calls. It hurts, I know. I have to continually remind myself that this is not my son but the addict that dwells within him right now. I think of and worry for him constantly but only occasionally send texts. When I do I just let him know we love him and are here when he is ready. Not much more we can do and there isn't anything you can do either. You're angry and that's SO okay but your also hurting and that's okay too. Being detached doesn't mean you don't love him, it means you love him enough to let him hit his bottom in his way in his time frame. It stinks, I know but unfortunately,that's the only way this can work.

Just keep doing what your doing. Don't get sucked into the drama, don't give him yours and keep working on your own recovery. One day at a time! It's the best we can do.

Hang in there, Sheri!

Annette said...

I love what Ron said. I think in the beginning of detachment, our hurt is so deep and so painful we have to almost have a severing in order to protect ourselves. Eventually, we heal some and we get stronger and we can manage to detach without "abandoning" or shunning. Its a fine line for sure. We are always evolving and learning. Be gentle with yourself. There are no rule books or timelines for this stuff.