Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Good Visit

I had a good weekend. My sister and I went to visit our youngest sister in Virginia. It was the first time I drove a long distance instead of being the navigator. I feel proud that I did it!
My sister has two little ones and at times, it got quite chaotic, but in a good way. She has always been there for me and it felt great to see her and just hang out. 
My son has now been moved to the intensive outpatient program.He and his new therapist called and we  had a good conversation. Today is a good day

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Up and then down

I was here yesterday
                                                                                                                          Here this morning

How can one phone conversation do that?????

I am worrying again. My son mentioned in his phone call last night to my husband that he had called an old friend ( my son is in rehab). This friend is a former band mate from the rock group my son was in in high school. Also, back then, a fellow pot smoker. Right away, I am thinking, this is not good. Of course I verbalized it and in turn , my husband did to my son. He promptly hung up on my husband, which just fed my worry more and caused an argument. I am so anxiety-filled right now that I cannot think straight. Why did I have to open my mouth ?
It seems that every step I take forward, I slide back several more with just one little incident. An incident which could be meaningless but with which I start the why?, what if?  and what's he up to ? thinking. Yuck!!!!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Friday The 13th

Way back in 2007, I started a blog entitled Kitchen Legacy. I had decided to write about my love of cooking. One of my posts then was called Homecoming. I talked about the fact that my son was coming home to Ohio for break from Fashion and Design school in California and how I was planning to make old and new dishes for his homecoming. The gist of my post was all about how I communicated through my food with my son. Flash forward to now................
My son is an addict. He was an addict in 2007 and probably a year or two before that. I wasn't aware, or rather, I did not accept the fact that there was something wrong. My wake up call came a couple of years after that particular homecoming. He became a different person, eventually changing schools and then completely flunking out. The last several years have been spent living the nightmare of addiction. I have watched my son change from a wonderfully talented, loving, person into someone I can't stand to be around.
The years have been filled with lying, stealing, crying , hurting, anger, enabling and other crappy adjectives too numerous to type.
In April, just last month, my son called me on the phone at work and told me he needed to tell me something. He told me he called an 800 number from the phone book to search for a rehab and that this rehab in Florida could take him immediately. He told me he wanted, needed, to go.  I knew that his behavior had become worse but of course I , being codependent, wanted to control his decision and objected to his going to Florida. Once I got home I spoke with one of the counselors at the place and she explained that they could take him and that he needed to come right away.  A lot of yelling and argument ensued between my son and his father and I. I wanted to know EXACTLY what he was on at the time (like that mattered) and he stated he did not have to tell me. After a couple of days of this, he finally admitted he had begun to abuse Opana. He had at one point abused Vicodin and Percocet along with smoking pot and was clean for a very brief period of time.He had never done any time of actual rehab. His father and I finally relented and on Friday, April 13th, I drove him to the airport to catch a plane to Florida.
This is where I want to pick up my story from 2007. April 13th was not only a turning point for my son but for me as well. It was the day that he decided to start a journey to change his life and also the day I finally accepted that I was powerless over his addiction. I hope that what I say will help others who are going through this gain some comfort that no one is alone in this. We have since found out that he was also snorting heroin when he couldn't afford the prescription drugs and that is what brought him to the realization that he needed help. Friday the 13th has turned out to be a very lucky day in my life.