Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The "P" word

I haven't been posting much at all lately. There are so many thoughts swirling around in my brain. I can't seem to lasso them from there to my fingers.
I did choose a word for the year though..
The word is patience.
I didn't choose it because I need to be patient with others ( although I do). I chose it for me. I have realized that I need to be patient with ME.
I am so used to being the fixer , the person who has to be "doing" all the time and the person who for a long time , did not focus on herself.
Now that I am getting that opportunity, I find that I have no patience for me.  I get impatient at me for not having all the answers for me. I find myself telling me that I need to hurry up and get where I want to be.

Puts everything in a whole new perspective.......

Let's go patience
Hurry this stuff
I have things to do
And this waiting is tough!!!

Have a great day. I will patiently wait for mine to get better (hah)

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Detachment ?

My son and I have very minimal contact now.
I spoke ( via text ) to him last night. I had texted him on New Years Eve wishing him a happy new year. He did not reply back. Last night his text was about a health issue he is having. At the tail end of the conversation, I asked him why he did not reply to my new year's text. He told me that his new year is not happy so why text back. I said ok and good night and that was the end of the conversation.
I've changed.
It didn't even phase me that he was upset that I would not be drawn into his problems.
I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
I read blogs where parents have detached but still seem more caring and loving than I am feeling right now. They reach out and are able to have loving conversations and even visitations with their addicted loved ones.
I can't seem to do this. I am afraid to let my guard down, even a little. I'm afraid if I do, I will get sucked in.
My son did eat Christmas dinner at my home, but I was ready for him to leave after a couple of hours.
I felt myself getting angry that he was still there. I wanted to go to my sister's as planned and he was prolonging his visit. I had to be the "bad guy" once again and remind him that we had plans and we needed to drop him off.  I could tell he was hurt but I didn't react to his hurt at all.
I guess I am not ready yet. I am getting worried that perhaps I never will be........