TO MY CHILD

THE DAY YOU WERE BORN

MY HEART ACHED SWEETLY

FULL OF PROMISE AND HOPE

I LOVED YOU COMPLETELY

THE SWEET ACHE CONTINUED

AS I WATCHED YOU GROW

I PATCHED UP YOUR BOO-BOO'S

PLAYED WITH YOU IN THE SNOW

YOU GREW INTO A TEEN

AND THE SWEET ACHE STILL GREW

YOUR PLAYED SOCCER, GUITAR

FELL IN LOVE A TIME OR TWO

I WISH I COULD PINPOINT

WHEN THAT SWEET ACHE GAVE WAY

TO A PAIN AND A FEAR

FOR YOUR LIFE EVERY DAY

THAT SWEET ACHE  I HAD

FULL OF PROMISE AND HOPE

HAS BEEN REPLACED BY A HATRED

OF A MONSTER CALLED DOPE

PLEASE GOD, HELP MY CHILD

THERE'S NO MORE I CAN DO

I'LL KEEP LOVING HIM

BUT GIVE HIM OVER TO YOU



Another Day, Another Damn Drama

My daughter informed me this morning that 4 dollars was missing from her wallet Saturday. She said she checked and rechecked but yes, it is missing.  My son has been working and just got paid on Friday. She is very insistent that the money is gone. Of course, as soon as she dropped me at work i called my son and told him what his sister said about missing money. He is adamant that he did not take her money. I told him that she is positive it is missing and if it comes to light that he took it , there will be consequences. He got very angry, said he is working and has his own money, why would he take it?
I'm tired of dealing with all of this. Thats pretty much it for now.

My Recovery Temp

My range is over 25 years old. It was there when we moved into our house 20 years ago and the previous owner had used it for several years prior to that. The past few years have been very challenging utilizing my "ghetto oven" as my kids lovingly call it. I have to constantly monitor the oven temperature when ever I make a meal. Nevertheless, I have had many successful dinners, including holiday dinners with "old yeller" (which is what I call her since she is old and yellow-gold).
Monitoring my oven temp is kind of like monitoring my "recovery temp". There are days that I have to keep "checking" , reminding myself that it's one day at a time and things will not happen as quickly as I want them to or think they should. Sometimes its an all day process ( like when I'm doing a holiday meal in my oven). I have to check and re-check the entire time. Sometimes it's not so much and I look at the thermometer and low and behold, it's holding steady right where I want it to be!
One of these years, I will get a new oven and no checking up may be required. I think that perhaps I will still do it though. My recovery is like that too. I may one day think I am finally new and improved but it won't hurt to check myself from time to time!

"Draggin The Line"

Years ago, Tommy James and the Shondels had a song entitled " Draggin The Line". There has always been speculation as to what draggin the line meant and I'm not really sure anyone really knows. The reason this song came to my mind this morning was in relation to boundaries .
Boundaries are the cornerstone of our recovery as parents of addicts. They are that "line" we are encouraged to create for ourselves so that we can move forward in our recovery journey. It's great to be able to do this and never falter. However, when you love someone as all of us love our addicts, it is a very hard thing not to "drag the line" from time to time.
I have been reading the blog of a mom who struggles just as I and many of us do with sticking to our boundaries. It's caused her a great deal of heartache recently and I'm sure there are many people out there who just want to tell her " I told you so". While maybe people have told her so but I don't think there is one of us who isn't guilty of "dragging the line" of our boundary because we love the person who just happens to have become an addict. I'm sure no amount of  I told you so will equal the pain she feels because she once again dragged her boundary line a little further than she should out of pure love and concern.
I know that there will be many, many times I will do the same. I KNOW it and while I try to be aware of it, I am sure it will still happen because I love my child. Just like there is no one size fits all way for an addict to recover so that is true for their loved ones. We all have to find our own way. If we "drag the line" at times, it's part of our personal learning process and we will move on and figure it out.

AWESOMENESS IS EVERYWHERE!!!

I started a new book yesterday called The Book OF (Even More) Awesome. The author, Neil Pasricha, writes about those awesome things we have happen everyday that we don't actually realize are awesome.
Some of the things he touches on are sleeping in your own bed after a long trip away, being greeted by your barking dog after a crappy work day, and taking a nap with someone.
I laughed out loud so many times and it felt so good to enjoy his fun wisdom.
I even had an awesome event yesterday. Dinner came together perfectly,  and I got to sit down and not scramble to put something on the table late. AWESOME!
I'm going to try to find a little awesome in every day. Even if it's just the fact my jeans zip up without my lying on the bed to do it! AWESOME!!!!!!

Yes, I'm bitching so if you can't deal with that don't read

On Saturday July 28th, my son stole 50 dollars from my purse and used all day.  I had seen him relapsing, as you can tell from my earlier posts. My husband and I told him he was no longer welcome in our home since he decided once again to return to the dark side. However, after only one day of living outside  and having no where to go since his drug friends wouldn'tt take him in once the money was gone, he started texting me and asking me what to do. I told him to contact someone from NA and get to meetings. He told me he was doing that but no one would take him in. He showed up at the house on Monday morning, asking me if he could at least shower and have something to eat. His dad had gone to a welding training class and I was home alone, having taken the day off because I just could not function at work after everything that happened. Against my better judgement, I let him in and let him shower and eat. He then asked me if he could sleep for a bit. I told him absolutely not and that he had to leave. He pushed back, told me that he knew he screwed up and that he admitted it right away and thought that by doing so we would work it out with him. I told him that we were not allowing theft or active drug use in our home and he knew he would have to leave. He stormed out  and I locked up, and later I noticed he was laying out on the deck on a bunch of beach towels sleeping.
My husband returned from his class and offered to take him to the local rescue mission. He ranted and raved, saying how was being homeless going to help him?  What ended up happening was that my husband took him to another outpatient facility where they started him on a medically assisted program using suboxone and mandating that he had to attend at least 3 meetings a week and 3 hours of intensive outpatient therapy each week. He will be drug tested three times a week as well. Funny thing, this is where I had wanted to send him to be drug tested when he stayed out all night. He refused to go then.
Of course, he is back with us. He has been going to meetings every day, sometimes two a day. He is working with his sponsor on the steps ( allegedly) and he also finally got hired as a server at a local restaurant and as a painter for a local contractor. He starts these jobs this week.
I guess I should be happy that he has gotten on the right track once again. What I am is totally fed up. I didn't feel he deserved another second chance. I'm angry that my husband is not at the same place I am in dealing with this. I think it's because he refused to deal with it at all in the past, letting me do it all. He is also very very soft hearted. He will never change in that way. I'm tired of dealing with it, talking about it and blogging about it. Everything in me is so negative right now. It absolutely stinks.
I can barely stand to talk to, look at, or have any kind of interaction with my son. I know that I have to figure a way to let go here, but I can't seem to find it inside of me to do so. I have read everything I can get my hands on, including some very insightful blogs. I have never been all that spiritual but I have been trying with all my might to pray. Nothing is helping.

Silently Screaming

Thank you son, for not coming home last night .  You finally get a little money in your pocket (and it wasn't me that gave it to you, you actually earned it doing some yard work for a neighbor) and who the hell knows what you're doing with it. I get to go to work and "not" think about where the hell you are. Your dad, who has enough stress with his layoff and uncertain employment future gets to sit and dwell on something other than that. Your sister gets to look at her mom and dad and see the worry and fear again in their faces. You are just full of gifts for those who chose to support and be there for you. We did that out of love for you.
I am trying to be "detached" and portray outwardly that it is not affecting me. Inside I am silently screaming.

Tired

My husband was going out apply for work today and I suggested he take Kevin with him. He said he would but he doesn't like the way Kevin dresses. Kevin doesn't have a lot of decent clothes, along the way they have gone missing. I have considered taking him and getting him some new things so he can look decent, but I have done that before. It's usually unappreciated and then he thinks I am going to start doing more and more, including giving him money.He actually tried asking me for money Sunday and I told him no. He then asked his dad who also told him no.
I feel like Kevin's brain is still that of a 16 year old. When he was in rehab, it seemed he was starting to have mature thoughts and I was excited at first when he came home because he seemed ready to start getting his life together. Its been three weeks and his behavior is slowly eroding. Or, maybe it isn't. Maybe I am just expecting too much too soon. I just don't know any more.

Sigh........

Kev is home and is so far staying clean. Other than that, I feel nothing has changed. He doesn't seem to be moving forward in terms of finding a job, and getting his finances and life in order. I realize it's going to take some time, but I really don't see any initiative on his part other than going to meetings every day. Yes, I know that is a good thing but I guess I expected a little more. Yes, I know its his program to work but because we have to get him to his meetings and since he is living with us, it's in my face every day. It also feels like I am still stuck on fixing him. Its a chore to keep my thoughts about what he should do to myself. Anyway, just thought I would get it off my chest.
I have been reading some very excellent posts and I want to thank everyone out there. Your insights are great and help me when I struggle.I would give each and every one of you a great big hug if I could!

Checking In....

Its hard to keep my mouth shut and my heart open. I still find myself consumed with worried thoughts. As they say...one day at a time! The Serenity Prayer definitely helps. Also, yoga and reading other's blogs. Thanks out there. Peace to all.

He Is Coming Home......

Kev is coming home tomorrow. His therapist told me he has done a good job and needs to continue that once he is discharged. I told him that we will support him in his recovery as much as we can but it is ultimately up to him.I'm happy and worried at the same time.  I am not sure if I am ready. Please send me some good thoughtx and vibes. Any advice and direction would be greatly appreciated.

Holding Back

I wonder if I will ever be able to talk with my son and believe anything he says? I want to do it, but I always "hold back" that trust that he is on the right track this time. Someone told me at last week's meeting "Don't ask any question you really don't want the answer to". I find myself not asking anything. Its a crummy way to interact. I don't like it.

Changes

My husband just got notice that he will be laid off after tomorrow. His mill filed chapter 11 last Thursday and if they don't find a buyer by July 28th, may close completely. He is very upset, we are not spring chickens anymore and the thought of  finding and starting a new job is daunting . Thank goodness I am still working and that his insurance benefits will continue.
A few days ago, due to a bed issue, my son was moved to a different facility where they don't have phones in the rooms for us to call. They gave him back his cell phone which of course is dead and he called asking whether we would be willing to prepay some texting and minutes for him. I said no immediately, knowing all of the wonderful phone contacts he has in it. He was not a happy camper about that.
He called his dad last night and spoke with him about it. His dad told him he supported my decision but we would talk about it some more and let him know if we change our minds. He pointed out that he can still call us and his sponsor through his therapist.
He will be coming home very soon since he is almost at the end of his IOP and the next step there, the halfway house, is totally out of the question since his dad is going to be out of a job. Insurance will not cover the rent.
I am having a great deal of anxiety on every front at the moment. I feel like the air is being squeezed out of my chest and I find myself drifting away from the good behaviors and thoughts I have been practicing these past couple of months.
Higher Power, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference....... now more than ever.
Have a great weekend everyone.

Sheri

Thoughts

 My daughter is a type I diabetic, diagnosed at age 14. She will be 20 in a few months. When we first found out about it, I took ownership of her disease. I read everything I could, managed her diet and constantly managed her illness. I thought I was the only person who could do it.  I became a nag, always checking that she was monitoring her blood sugars and following her meal plan. She would get so upset! " Mom, I KNOW what I have to do! I KNOW what the consequences are!"  In time, I learned to keep my opinions to myself and let her take care of it. However, even today, I still find myself starting to ask her if she took her insulin. I even ask sometimes." Mom!!! " she exclaims.
My son will be finishing rehab and coming home soon . I am feeling apprehensive. Will I try to "manage" my son's disease as I did my daughter's?  Hopefully, I will mind my own business, set good boundaries and keep taking care of myself. I could go buy some duct tape ............

My son

I want to tell you about my son Kevin.
He is an artist.The picture I have on here is a piece of his artwork, something he drew months ago when I truly believe he was getting ready to change his life but wasn't quite there yet.
He is a musician, plays guitar,keyboards and sings. When he was in high school, his band made a couple of Cd's that were very good .
He is a talented writer. Sometimes I am not a fan of some of what he writes ( when it's rap) but he is eloquent and insightful.
He is kind, sometimes that gets him in trouble.
He is loving .
It feels great to write about him in a positive way, I haven't written or thought about him like this in a very long time.
Thank you for letting me share.

Good Visit

I had a good weekend. My sister and I went to visit our youngest sister in Virginia. It was the first time I drove a long distance instead of being the navigator. I feel proud that I did it!
My sister has two little ones and at times, it got quite chaotic, but in a good way. She has always been there for me and it felt great to see her and just hang out. 
My son has now been moved to the intensive outpatient program.He and his new therapist called and we  had a good conversation. Today is a good day

Up and then down

I was here yesterday
                                 --------
                                             ---------
                                                             ----------
                                                                               -----------
                                                                                                  -----------
                                                                                                                          Here this morning

How can one phone conversation do that?????

I am worrying again. My son mentioned in his phone call last night to my husband that he had called an old friend ( my son is in rehab). This friend is a former band mate from the rock group my son was in in high school. Also, back then, a fellow pot smoker. Right away, I am thinking, this is not good. Of course I verbalized it and in turn , my husband did to my son. He promptly hung up on my husband, which just fed my worry more and caused an argument. I am so anxiety-filled right now that I cannot think straight. Why did I have to open my mouth ?
It seems that every step I take forward, I slide back several more with just one little incident. An incident which could be meaningless but with which I start the why?, what if?  and what's he up to ? thinking. Yuck!!!!
                                                                           

Friday The 13th

Way back in 2007, I started a blog entitled Kitchen Legacy. I had decided to write about my love of cooking. One of my posts then was called Homecoming. I talked about the fact that my son was coming home to Ohio for break from Fashion and Design school in California and how I was planning to make old and new dishes for his homecoming. The gist of my post was all about how I communicated through my food with my son. Flash forward to now................
My son is an addict. He was an addict in 2007 and probably a year or two before that. I wasn't aware, or rather, I did not accept the fact that there was something wrong. My wake up call came a couple of years after that particular homecoming. He became a different person, eventually changing schools and then completely flunking out. The last several years have been spent living the nightmare of addiction. I have watched my son change from a wonderfully talented, loving, person into someone I can't stand to be around.
The years have been filled with lying, stealing, crying , hurting, anger, enabling and other crappy adjectives too numerous to type.
In April, just last month, my son called me on the phone at work and told me he needed to tell me something. He told me he called an 800 number from the phone book to search for a rehab and that this rehab in Florida could take him immediately. He told me he wanted, needed, to go.  I knew that his behavior had become worse but of course I , being codependent, wanted to control his decision and objected to his going to Florida. Once I got home I spoke with one of the counselors at the place and she explained that they could take him and that he needed to come right away.  A lot of yelling and argument ensued between my son and his father and I. I wanted to know EXACTLY what he was on at the time (like that mattered) and he stated he did not have to tell me. After a couple of days of this, he finally admitted he had begun to abuse Opana. He had at one point abused Vicodin and Percocet along with smoking pot and was clean for a very brief period of time.He had never done any time of actual rehab. His father and I finally relented and on Friday, April 13th, I drove him to the airport to catch a plane to Florida.
This is where I want to pick up my story from 2007. April 13th was not only a turning point for my son but for me as well. It was the day that he decided to start a journey to change his life and also the day I finally accepted that I was powerless over his addiction. I hope that what I say will help others who are going through this gain some comfort that no one is alone in this. We have since found out that he was also snorting heroin when he couldn't afford the prescription drugs and that is what brought him to the realization that he needed help. Friday the 13th has turned out to be a very lucky day in my life.