Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Silently Screaming

Thank you son, for not coming home last night .  You finally get a little money in your pocket (and it wasn't me that gave it to you, you actually earned it doing some yard work for a neighbor) and who the hell knows what you're doing with it. I get to go to work and "not" think about where the hell you are. Your dad, who has enough stress with his layoff and uncertain employment future gets to sit and dwell on something other than that. Your sister gets to look at her mom and dad and see the worry and fear again in their faces. You are just full of gifts for those who chose to support and be there for you. We did that out of love for you.
I am trying to be "detached" and portray outwardly that it is not affecting me. Inside I am silently screaming.

8 comments:

Dad and Mom said...

Know that feeling so well. Wanting to cuss and scream but no one is there. Even if a body is present most of the time still no one was there.

My big flaw was that too many times I took it out on mom or anyone else in the area. That was my biggest problem. Don't let it be a problem for you. It's hard to live that life.

Dad and Mom said...

PS.: It's OK to scream on your blog. We all understand.

Annette said...

Oh Sheri, we do all get it. For me learning to let go, to detach with love, to mind my own business, to put my child into God's hands, and to not be quite literally hung up on the outcome... was the biggest gift of my own recovery. My life will go on despite the outcomes in my daughter's life. It took me years of struggle to get here though. I am thinking about you today.

Sheri said...

When he came home, his dad told him that he wanted to take him for a drug test. He is refusing to go, says he has nothing to prove. He told his dad he can take him to the rescue mission. His dad offered to get a pharmacy test and do it at home, still refuused. I am at work trying my best to accomplish something and deal with this via text messages from my husband. Am i wrong to insist that he get tested?

Dad and Mom said...

That is perfectly reasonable to drug test him. Then the issue is what if it is positive. Do you have a plan for yourself? It's not about doing for your son it is all about doing for you and the family.

Do you have your boundaries?

Sheri said...

One of our boundaries is that if he stays out all night, he has to have a drug test. This was made clear to him when he came home from rehab. We will not give him money, we will not allow overnite guests and if he chooses to stay out all night he has to have the drug test.
If he did test and it was positive, then he cannot live with us as we are not having active drug use in our home.
He agreed to this and now is saying he has nothing to prove and that we are being unreasonable because as he put it "all I did was get laid".
My husband thinks he spent the night in our back yard last night, sleeping on one of the pool rafts.He wants to renegotiate with him. Wonderful.

Dad and Mom said...

"He wants to renegotiate with him"???

I wrote this a while ago. http://intervene.drugfree.org/2011/11/negotiating-recovery/

Trust me I did a lot of negotiating and I thought I was good at it. I work as a Director of HR and have been involved in negotiating labor agreements with unions but have never successfully negotiated with an addict.

Barbara said...

I know this feeling so well.

The drug testing issue is tricky. I made a rule "if you refuse a drug test that automatically means you would test dirty". It saved me lots of money on drug tests. When they want to use, nothing will stop them. Nothing. When they truly want to stop, they will. The sad thing is what it does to the family in the meantime.

I'm glad your'e writing here. I closed my blog about my son to write about me...but I still write about him a lot - that speaks volumes. Ugh.