Silently Screaming

Thank you son, for not coming home last night .  You finally get a little money in your pocket (and it wasn't me that gave it to you, you actually earned it doing some yard work for a neighbor) and who the hell knows what you're doing with it. I get to go to work and "not" think about where the hell you are. Your dad, who has enough stress with his layoff and uncertain employment future gets to sit and dwell on something other than that. Your sister gets to look at her mom and dad and see the worry and fear again in their faces. You are just full of gifts for those who chose to support and be there for you. We did that out of love for you.
I am trying to be "detached" and portray outwardly that it is not affecting me. Inside I am silently screaming.

Tired

My husband was going out apply for work today and I suggested he take Kevin with him. He said he would but he doesn't like the way Kevin dresses. Kevin doesn't have a lot of decent clothes, along the way they have gone missing. I have considered taking him and getting him some new things so he can look decent, but I have done that before. It's usually unappreciated and then he thinks I am going to start doing more and more, including giving him money.He actually tried asking me for money Sunday and I told him no. He then asked his dad who also told him no.
I feel like Kevin's brain is still that of a 16 year old. When he was in rehab, it seemed he was starting to have mature thoughts and I was excited at first when he came home because he seemed ready to start getting his life together. Its been three weeks and his behavior is slowly eroding. Or, maybe it isn't. Maybe I am just expecting too much too soon. I just don't know any more.

Sigh........

Kev is home and is so far staying clean. Other than that, I feel nothing has changed. He doesn't seem to be moving forward in terms of finding a job, and getting his finances and life in order. I realize it's going to take some time, but I really don't see any initiative on his part other than going to meetings every day. Yes, I know that is a good thing but I guess I expected a little more. Yes, I know its his program to work but because we have to get him to his meetings and since he is living with us, it's in my face every day. It also feels like I am still stuck on fixing him. Its a chore to keep my thoughts about what he should do to myself. Anyway, just thought I would get it off my chest.
I have been reading some very excellent posts and I want to thank everyone out there. Your insights are great and help me when I struggle.I would give each and every one of you a great big hug if I could!

Checking In....

Its hard to keep my mouth shut and my heart open. I still find myself consumed with worried thoughts. As they say...one day at a time! The Serenity Prayer definitely helps. Also, yoga and reading other's blogs. Thanks out there. Peace to all.