I have been struggling of late regarding my detachment, sometimes feeling I have taken it too far. I try to maintain some sort of communication with my son, I text him and tell him I love him. Usually, I don't get a response unless there is a request for something involved. The something lately has been a request to move back home. When I state that it is not an option...crickets again. I start to feel selfish. I start second guessing my decision to love him from a distance. I wonder if as he says, I have abandoned him.
Then I think about it......He is working full time,. He has a place to stay and is supposedly working on getting his own place.(It's just not happening as quickly as he thinks it should) He is getting on with his life. Could I really contribute anything more to what he is doing by himself by having him under my roof? Honestly, I don't think so. I just wish he could see it that way.
My son is an opiate addict. I hope that by sharing my story I can help others heal as I am learning to heal
4 comments:
Ohhhh, how I hate the "crickets"! It's been that way with my son pretty much ever since he returned from rehab. At some point it sort of hit me that the only way I'm going to be able to have a relationship with him, while he is active in addiction, is to ignore his behavior. I still have all my boundaries in place but I am trying to reach out in small ways just to let him know I'm there. We don't talk about his drug use and I'm not offering advice. He knows what he needs and he knows what I am willing to do to help. Instead,if I'm in town I might call to see if he'd like a Starbucks or to meet me for lunch. He had dinner with his dad and I twice in the past couple of weeks!
This is working for me. I'm feeling a little closer to my son and he has even reached out a couple of times just to talk!
There have been many times over the years when he was using so much and his behavior was so erratic that this approach would not have worked but right now he is doing okay...or as okay as he can be for an addict.
I don't think there is a cookie cutter approach to dealing with our kids. What works for one might not for another. Just follow your heart and you'll find your way.
Summer
Sheri, isn't it amazing the way we mom's get hung up. I know all of those messages of guilt and second guessing. But then you looked at the facts! Yay you! My imaginings of how things should be or can be or are...are just that. My wishes and hopes and dreams. "Maybe it will be different this time." But when I look at the facts, the realities of the situations we are in, and the new skills that I have learned through the years, I see that I don't have to make a decision today. I can think on something. I can rest in where I am. I can let things play out. If your son needs to come home at any point, you will know its the right time. If you feel a catch in your spirit, you know its something to move slowly in, to investigate, to think about. Even though you feel like you are struggling, it sounds like you are making really good choices and have some good thought processes going on. Fears are not facts.
it's so common...home is off the table in my world ..he gets that..last night is was another request that i tried to accomodate w/ some boundaries...he could follow the guide lines thus the whole thing just blew up ...
maddening and emotionally draining at times!
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