The "P" word

I haven't been posting much at all lately. There are so many thoughts swirling around in my brain. I can't seem to lasso them from there to my fingers.
I did choose a word for the year though..
The word is patience.
I didn't choose it because I need to be patient with others ( although I do). I chose it for me. I have realized that I need to be patient with ME.
I am so used to being the fixer , the person who has to be "doing" all the time and the person who for a long time , did not focus on herself.
Now that I am getting that opportunity, I find that I have no patience for me.  I get impatient at me for not having all the answers for me. I find myself telling me that I need to hurry up and get where I want to be.

Puts everything in a whole new perspective.......

Let's go patience
Hurry this stuff
I have things to do
And this waiting is tough!!!

Have a great day. I will patiently wait for mine to get better (hah)

Detachment ?

My son and I have very minimal contact now.
I spoke ( via text ) to him last night. I had texted him on New Years Eve wishing him a happy new year. He did not reply back. Last night his text was about a health issue he is having. At the tail end of the conversation, I asked him why he did not reply to my new year's text. He told me that his new year is not happy so why text back. I said ok and good night and that was the end of the conversation.
I've changed.
It didn't even phase me that he was upset that I would not be drawn into his problems.
I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
I read blogs where parents have detached but still seem more caring and loving than I am feeling right now. They reach out and are able to have loving conversations and even visitations with their addicted loved ones.
I can't seem to do this. I am afraid to let my guard down, even a little. I'm afraid if I do, I will get sucked in.
My son did eat Christmas dinner at my home, but I was ready for him to leave after a couple of hours.
I felt myself getting angry that he was still there. I wanted to go to my sister's as planned and he was prolonging his visit. I had to be the "bad guy" once again and remind him that we had plans and we needed to drop him off.  I could tell he was hurt but I didn't react to his hurt at all.
I guess I am not ready yet. I am getting worried that perhaps I never will be........

TO MY CHILD

THE DAY YOU WERE BORN

MY HEART ACHED SWEETLY

FULL OF PROMISE AND HOPE

I LOVED YOU COMPLETELY

THE SWEET ACHE CONTINUED

AS I WATCHED YOU GROW

I PATCHED UP YOUR BOO-BOO'S

PLAYED WITH YOU IN THE SNOW

YOU GREW INTO A TEEN

AND THE SWEET ACHE STILL GREW

YOUR PLAYED SOCCER, GUITAR

FELL IN LOVE A TIME OR TWO

I WISH I COULD PINPOINT

WHEN THAT SWEET ACHE GAVE WAY

TO A PAIN AND A FEAR

FOR YOUR LIFE EVERY DAY

THAT SWEET ACHE  I HAD

FULL OF PROMISE AND HOPE

HAS BEEN REPLACED BY A HATRED

OF A MONSTER CALLED DOPE

PLEASE GOD, HELP MY CHILD

THERE'S NO MORE I CAN DO

I'LL KEEP LOVING HIM

BUT GIVE HIM OVER TO YOU



Another Day, Another Damn Drama

My daughter informed me this morning that 4 dollars was missing from her wallet Saturday. She said she checked and rechecked but yes, it is missing.  My son has been working and just got paid on Friday. She is very insistent that the money is gone. Of course, as soon as she dropped me at work i called my son and told him what his sister said about missing money. He is adamant that he did not take her money. I told him that she is positive it is missing and if it comes to light that he took it , there will be consequences. He got very angry, said he is working and has his own money, why would he take it?
I'm tired of dealing with all of this. Thats pretty much it for now.

My Recovery Temp

My range is over 25 years old. It was there when we moved into our house 20 years ago and the previous owner had used it for several years prior to that. The past few years have been very challenging utilizing my "ghetto oven" as my kids lovingly call it. I have to constantly monitor the oven temperature when ever I make a meal. Nevertheless, I have had many successful dinners, including holiday dinners with "old yeller" (which is what I call her since she is old and yellow-gold).
Monitoring my oven temp is kind of like monitoring my "recovery temp". There are days that I have to keep "checking" , reminding myself that it's one day at a time and things will not happen as quickly as I want them to or think they should. Sometimes its an all day process ( like when I'm doing a holiday meal in my oven). I have to check and re-check the entire time. Sometimes it's not so much and I look at the thermometer and low and behold, it's holding steady right where I want it to be!
One of these years, I will get a new oven and no checking up may be required. I think that perhaps I will still do it though. My recovery is like that too. I may one day think I am finally new and improved but it won't hurt to check myself from time to time!

"Draggin The Line"

Years ago, Tommy James and the Shondels had a song entitled " Draggin The Line". There has always been speculation as to what draggin the line meant and I'm not really sure anyone really knows. The reason this song came to my mind this morning was in relation to boundaries .
Boundaries are the cornerstone of our recovery as parents of addicts. They are that "line" we are encouraged to create for ourselves so that we can move forward in our recovery journey. It's great to be able to do this and never falter. However, when you love someone as all of us love our addicts, it is a very hard thing not to "drag the line" from time to time.
I have been reading the blog of a mom who struggles just as I and many of us do with sticking to our boundaries. It's caused her a great deal of heartache recently and I'm sure there are many people out there who just want to tell her " I told you so". While maybe people have told her so but I don't think there is one of us who isn't guilty of "dragging the line" of our boundary because we love the person who just happens to have become an addict. I'm sure no amount of  I told you so will equal the pain she feels because she once again dragged her boundary line a little further than she should out of pure love and concern.
I know that there will be many, many times I will do the same. I KNOW it and while I try to be aware of it, I am sure it will still happen because I love my child. Just like there is no one size fits all way for an addict to recover so that is true for their loved ones. We all have to find our own way. If we "drag the line" at times, it's part of our personal learning process and we will move on and figure it out.

AWESOMENESS IS EVERYWHERE!!!

I started a new book yesterday called The Book OF (Even More) Awesome. The author, Neil Pasricha, writes about those awesome things we have happen everyday that we don't actually realize are awesome.
Some of the things he touches on are sleeping in your own bed after a long trip away, being greeted by your barking dog after a crappy work day, and taking a nap with someone.
I laughed out loud so many times and it felt so good to enjoy his fun wisdom.
I even had an awesome event yesterday. Dinner came together perfectly,  and I got to sit down and not scramble to put something on the table late. AWESOME!
I'm going to try to find a little awesome in every day. Even if it's just the fact my jeans zip up without my lying on the bed to do it! AWESOME!!!!!!