"Draggin The Line"

Years ago, Tommy James and the Shondels had a song entitled " Draggin The Line". There has always been speculation as to what draggin the line meant and I'm not really sure anyone really knows. The reason this song came to my mind this morning was in relation to boundaries .
Boundaries are the cornerstone of our recovery as parents of addicts. They are that "line" we are encouraged to create for ourselves so that we can move forward in our recovery journey. It's great to be able to do this and never falter. However, when you love someone as all of us love our addicts, it is a very hard thing not to "drag the line" from time to time.
I have been reading the blog of a mom who struggles just as I and many of us do with sticking to our boundaries. It's caused her a great deal of heartache recently and I'm sure there are many people out there who just want to tell her " I told you so". While maybe people have told her so but I don't think there is one of us who isn't guilty of "dragging the line" of our boundary because we love the person who just happens to have become an addict. I'm sure no amount of  I told you so will equal the pain she feels because she once again dragged her boundary line a little further than she should out of pure love and concern.
I know that there will be many, many times I will do the same. I KNOW it and while I try to be aware of it, I am sure it will still happen because I love my child. Just like there is no one size fits all way for an addict to recover so that is true for their loved ones. We all have to find our own way. If we "drag the line" at times, it's part of our personal learning process and we will move on and figure it out.

AWESOMENESS IS EVERYWHERE!!!

I started a new book yesterday called The Book OF (Even More) Awesome. The author, Neil Pasricha, writes about those awesome things we have happen everyday that we don't actually realize are awesome.
Some of the things he touches on are sleeping in your own bed after a long trip away, being greeted by your barking dog after a crappy work day, and taking a nap with someone.
I laughed out loud so many times and it felt so good to enjoy his fun wisdom.
I even had an awesome event yesterday. Dinner came together perfectly,  and I got to sit down and not scramble to put something on the table late. AWESOME!
I'm going to try to find a little awesome in every day. Even if it's just the fact my jeans zip up without my lying on the bed to do it! AWESOME!!!!!!

Yes, I'm bitching so if you can't deal with that don't read

On Saturday July 28th, my son stole 50 dollars from my purse and used all day.  I had seen him relapsing, as you can tell from my earlier posts. My husband and I told him he was no longer welcome in our home since he decided once again to return to the dark side. However, after only one day of living outside  and having no where to go since his drug friends wouldn'tt take him in once the money was gone, he started texting me and asking me what to do. I told him to contact someone from NA and get to meetings. He told me he was doing that but no one would take him in. He showed up at the house on Monday morning, asking me if he could at least shower and have something to eat. His dad had gone to a welding training class and I was home alone, having taken the day off because I just could not function at work after everything that happened. Against my better judgement, I let him in and let him shower and eat. He then asked me if he could sleep for a bit. I told him absolutely not and that he had to leave. He pushed back, told me that he knew he screwed up and that he admitted it right away and thought that by doing so we would work it out with him. I told him that we were not allowing theft or active drug use in our home and he knew he would have to leave. He stormed out  and I locked up, and later I noticed he was laying out on the deck on a bunch of beach towels sleeping.
My husband returned from his class and offered to take him to the local rescue mission. He ranted and raved, saying how was being homeless going to help him?  What ended up happening was that my husband took him to another outpatient facility where they started him on a medically assisted program using suboxone and mandating that he had to attend at least 3 meetings a week and 3 hours of intensive outpatient therapy each week. He will be drug tested three times a week as well. Funny thing, this is where I had wanted to send him to be drug tested when he stayed out all night. He refused to go then.
Of course, he is back with us. He has been going to meetings every day, sometimes two a day. He is working with his sponsor on the steps ( allegedly) and he also finally got hired as a server at a local restaurant and as a painter for a local contractor. He starts these jobs this week.
I guess I should be happy that he has gotten on the right track once again. What I am is totally fed up. I didn't feel he deserved another second chance. I'm angry that my husband is not at the same place I am in dealing with this. I think it's because he refused to deal with it at all in the past, letting me do it all. He is also very very soft hearted. He will never change in that way. I'm tired of dealing with it, talking about it and blogging about it. Everything in me is so negative right now. It absolutely stinks.
I can barely stand to talk to, look at, or have any kind of interaction with my son. I know that I have to figure a way to let go here, but I can't seem to find it inside of me to do so. I have read everything I can get my hands on, including some very insightful blogs. I have never been all that spiritual but I have been trying with all my might to pray. Nothing is helping.

Silently Screaming

Thank you son, for not coming home last night .  You finally get a little money in your pocket (and it wasn't me that gave it to you, you actually earned it doing some yard work for a neighbor) and who the hell knows what you're doing with it. I get to go to work and "not" think about where the hell you are. Your dad, who has enough stress with his layoff and uncertain employment future gets to sit and dwell on something other than that. Your sister gets to look at her mom and dad and see the worry and fear again in their faces. You are just full of gifts for those who chose to support and be there for you. We did that out of love for you.
I am trying to be "detached" and portray outwardly that it is not affecting me. Inside I am silently screaming.

Tired

My husband was going out apply for work today and I suggested he take Kevin with him. He said he would but he doesn't like the way Kevin dresses. Kevin doesn't have a lot of decent clothes, along the way they have gone missing. I have considered taking him and getting him some new things so he can look decent, but I have done that before. It's usually unappreciated and then he thinks I am going to start doing more and more, including giving him money.He actually tried asking me for money Sunday and I told him no. He then asked his dad who also told him no.
I feel like Kevin's brain is still that of a 16 year old. When he was in rehab, it seemed he was starting to have mature thoughts and I was excited at first when he came home because he seemed ready to start getting his life together. Its been three weeks and his behavior is slowly eroding. Or, maybe it isn't. Maybe I am just expecting too much too soon. I just don't know any more.

Sigh........

Kev is home and is so far staying clean. Other than that, I feel nothing has changed. He doesn't seem to be moving forward in terms of finding a job, and getting his finances and life in order. I realize it's going to take some time, but I really don't see any initiative on his part other than going to meetings every day. Yes, I know that is a good thing but I guess I expected a little more. Yes, I know its his program to work but because we have to get him to his meetings and since he is living with us, it's in my face every day. It also feels like I am still stuck on fixing him. Its a chore to keep my thoughts about what he should do to myself. Anyway, just thought I would get it off my chest.
I have been reading some very excellent posts and I want to thank everyone out there. Your insights are great and help me when I struggle.I would give each and every one of you a great big hug if I could!

Checking In....

Its hard to keep my mouth shut and my heart open. I still find myself consumed with worried thoughts. As they say...one day at a time! The Serenity Prayer definitely helps. Also, yoga and reading other's blogs. Thanks out there. Peace to all.