Sad

Another Mother's Day has come and gone. My son was transported to prison Monday May 5th and is in the intake phase of the process. It says on the Department of Corrections website that new inmates will not have phone/mail privileges for 7-10 days during intake. So, I wasn't expecting any call on Sunday as it was only 7 days at that point.
I am very raw emotionally right now and I seem to cry at the drop of a hat. My daughter took me to a very nice dinner after she was off work. Before she came home, I spent most of the day crying. I realize it isn't as if my son has showered me with affection these past several years but knowing where he is just makes me sad.
This feeling has continued and today as I was having lunch I was reading about LeBron James nearly 50 point game last night. That led me to thinking about the last time I saw my son wearing his Heat jersey. It was at my daughter's graduation party in June 2011. I had noticed he was sitting all by himself at a table and looked entirely lost. That thought of noticing how out of place he looked back then opened the floodgates again.
I did see him in the county jail the Sunday before he left and he looked so good. He has been clean for over 8 months. I pray he continues to serve his time in the most productive way possible and can
get through this phase of his incarceration as well as he did at the county jail. He is a small guy, not a violent person at all and I know that he will have some tough times ahead. Hopefully, he will be brought back for judicial release in a few months. Please keep him in your thoughts.

Checking In.....

Happy New Year to everyone!  Not a whole lot has changed. My son is still in jail. His pre trials have been postponed continuously, this past Tuesday's has been re set to late February. The process is very slow but the upside to it is that he has been drug-free for 5 months, he has put on much needed weight and he can't get smokes either. I visit him from time to time and he writes to me. Its sad that it came to this point for the two of us to have clear-minded dialog, but I believe that things are happening for reasons greater than my and his desires.
I have been reading blogs daily and I know there are good things and not so good things happening in other's lives. I think about and have good thoughts for everyone whether they are celebrating their loved one moving forward or whether they are despairing that their loved one is still battling the demon.
I'm glad that we have each other to understand and support. I may not comment on other's blogs as often as I should but believe me when I tell you that every sentence I read has an impact on me. Sometimes I smile, sometimes I tear up and always I give all of you out there a virtual hug!

I have been following the blog of a mom whose son has recently been arrested and jailed. She wants to wrap her child in her arms. She wants to "save" him from harm. She is me and every mom who pours her heart out , hoping that her written words will somehow heal her child and her soul.  I so wish that was what it takes. That we write to the universe and the universe responds and heals our child and us and our families.  It is not so. But, to be able to write our anguish and love in some ways does heal. We share to those who need to know they are not alone, we reach out , we connect. It's not a cure, but it is a comfort.

Clean

My son is clean. Oh, don't get excited folks. He is clean because he has been in county jail for almost two months. The month before he was incarcerated was very, very bad.  I could have done a zillion posts during all that time but regurgitating the drama that has been my life lately is just not my style.
I have been on a cleaning frenzy since he was arrested. A much needed one at that . While cleaning last weekend, I came across a newspaper clipping I had kept from 2006 which announced that he had been accepted into a prestigious fashion design school on the west coast.
I looked at that face smiling out from the article and flashed to the face I had just seen a few days ago. It did not compute.

To the parents in my town and every other town

My son is an addict
Your son is not
They went to the same school
Played on the same sports team
They both excelled at it
My son won numerous art awards
He was a gifted musician
He got good grades
Your son did the same
If your son had became an addict
Would you have questioned your parenting skills?
You bet you would have
I do it every , single , damn day
If your son had become an addict
Would you avoid me and your looks of pity ?
You bet you would have
If your son had become an addict
Would you have called me and asked if I needed to talk?
No, but if the shoe was on the other foot...
You bet I WOULD HAVE

Loss

My daughter has such anger in her for her brother. Yet, sometimes her bravado breaks down and I see    that although she is angry, there is still love. She was telling me about being at her boyfriend's school the other night and watching this concert thing they have. Different groups perform and she was telling me about one in particular . Mom, the singer was terrible but the guitarist was really talented. He was "Kevin" talented. My heart wept silently for both their losses. His not knowing how his sister admires his talent and loves him but cannot show it and hers for the loss of  her big brother who admires her as well but cannot show it .

Happy Birthday

Today is my daughters 21st birthday.  She has been a passenger on my sons addiction roller coaster all of her teenage life.  She has done without, both physically and emotionally while I enabled and tried to fix her brother. Right now, things are very bad with his situation. She has been my rock lately. She always seems to provide me with just what I need to be able to get up every day and move forward. She doesn't realize she is doing it either. I'm proud of the fine young woman she has become.  I'm grateful for her strength and her sense of humor. I don't tell her that enough.