Just when you think it's safe........

Ok, cue the theme from Jaws.........
I made a comment on addictionjournal.net's blog that my son was being abstinent but not working a recovery program. I said I had hoped he was getting honest with himself and perhaps his abstinence was the first step to getting off the crazy ride.
Yeah....feelings are not facts. I just find out the facts later than sooner since he doesn't live with me.
I still hold out hope that he will find his way but he's not ready I guess. Only he will know when that is.
Me, I am good . I truly have gotten honest with myself that this is his business. I love him unconditionally and that will never change. But, I cannot be Martin Brody scanning the horizon while my son is in the water.
There are no sharks circling me...my seas are calm.

Birthday

A good night!

Birthday Prep

Today is my son's 25th birthday. He is coming over to have dinner. I am  making his favorite meal and bought a banana cream pie for dessert ( He will take all the leftovers back to his place, especially the pie!)
I "prepped" my house before I left work this morning for the celebration. Instead of hanging streamers and balloons, making sure I had birthday plates and napkins and wrapping colorful gifts, I made sure any and all medications are locked up, any liquor was put away upstairs and any important papers and other things of value were upstairs under lock and key as well.
Yesterday, I went to the grocery store and bought him some food staples and some personal hygiene items.
I decided that was the thing I could be ok with doing. No gift cards he can sell and of course, no money.
I feel really good this morning, I am good with what I am doing.
I am going to take Annette's suggestion and write his birth story and give it to him.
I am looking forward to tonight.

THINKING.....

Your birthday is less than a week away

I sit here pondering what to say

Do I reach out and ask if we can share

The day I watched your little eyes stare

At me, your mom, with innocent wonder

Or would asking be a terrible blunder?

 

Am I strong enough to realize

You no longer look back with innocent eyes

When the day is over

Will I let go

Stop searching for a truth that just isn't so?

 

I love you son

With my heart and soul

But these past several years

Have taken it's toll

 

I guess I still have to think this through

Before I can make any plans with you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Struggles

I have been struggling of late regarding my detachment,  sometimes feeling I have taken it too far. I try to maintain some sort of communication with my son, I text him and tell him I love him. Usually, I don't get a response unless there is a request for something involved. The something lately has been a request to move back home. When I state that it is not an option...crickets again. I start to feel selfish. I start second guessing my decision to love him from a distance. I wonder if as he says, I have abandoned him.
Then I think about it......He is working full time,. He has a place to stay and is supposedly working on getting his own place.(It's just not happening as quickly as he thinks it should)  He is getting on with his life. Could I really contribute anything more to what he is doing by himself by having him under my roof? Honestly, I don't think so. I just wish he could see it that way.

The "P" word

I haven't been posting much at all lately. There are so many thoughts swirling around in my brain. I can't seem to lasso them from there to my fingers.
I did choose a word for the year though..
The word is patience.
I didn't choose it because I need to be patient with others ( although I do). I chose it for me. I have realized that I need to be patient with ME.
I am so used to being the fixer , the person who has to be "doing" all the time and the person who for a long time , did not focus on herself.
Now that I am getting that opportunity, I find that I have no patience for me.  I get impatient at me for not having all the answers for me. I find myself telling me that I need to hurry up and get where I want to be.

Puts everything in a whole new perspective.......

Let's go patience
Hurry this stuff
I have things to do
And this waiting is tough!!!

Have a great day. I will patiently wait for mine to get better (hah)

Detachment ?

My son and I have very minimal contact now.
I spoke ( via text ) to him last night. I had texted him on New Years Eve wishing him a happy new year. He did not reply back. Last night his text was about a health issue he is having. At the tail end of the conversation, I asked him why he did not reply to my new year's text. He told me that his new year is not happy so why text back. I said ok and good night and that was the end of the conversation.
I've changed.
It didn't even phase me that he was upset that I would not be drawn into his problems.
I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
I read blogs where parents have detached but still seem more caring and loving than I am feeling right now. They reach out and are able to have loving conversations and even visitations with their addicted loved ones.
I can't seem to do this. I am afraid to let my guard down, even a little. I'm afraid if I do, I will get sucked in.
My son did eat Christmas dinner at my home, but I was ready for him to leave after a couple of hours.
I felt myself getting angry that he was still there. I wanted to go to my sister's as planned and he was prolonging his visit. I had to be the "bad guy" once again and remind him that we had plans and we needed to drop him off.  I could tell he was hurt but I didn't react to his hurt at all.
I guess I am not ready yet. I am getting worried that perhaps I never will be........