THINKING.....

Your birthday is less than a week away

I sit here pondering what to say

Do I reach out and ask if we can share

The day I watched your little eyes stare

At me, your mom, with innocent wonder

Or would asking be a terrible blunder?

 

Am I strong enough to realize

You no longer look back with innocent eyes

When the day is over

Will I let go

Stop searching for a truth that just isn't so?

 

I love you son

With my heart and soul

But these past several years

Have taken it's toll

 

I guess I still have to think this through

Before I can make any plans with you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Struggles

I have been struggling of late regarding my detachment,  sometimes feeling I have taken it too far. I try to maintain some sort of communication with my son, I text him and tell him I love him. Usually, I don't get a response unless there is a request for something involved. The something lately has been a request to move back home. When I state that it is not an option...crickets again. I start to feel selfish. I start second guessing my decision to love him from a distance. I wonder if as he says, I have abandoned him.
Then I think about it......He is working full time,. He has a place to stay and is supposedly working on getting his own place.(It's just not happening as quickly as he thinks it should)  He is getting on with his life. Could I really contribute anything more to what he is doing by himself by having him under my roof? Honestly, I don't think so. I just wish he could see it that way.

The "P" word

I haven't been posting much at all lately. There are so many thoughts swirling around in my brain. I can't seem to lasso them from there to my fingers.
I did choose a word for the year though..
The word is patience.
I didn't choose it because I need to be patient with others ( although I do). I chose it for me. I have realized that I need to be patient with ME.
I am so used to being the fixer , the person who has to be "doing" all the time and the person who for a long time , did not focus on herself.
Now that I am getting that opportunity, I find that I have no patience for me.  I get impatient at me for not having all the answers for me. I find myself telling me that I need to hurry up and get where I want to be.

Puts everything in a whole new perspective.......

Let's go patience
Hurry this stuff
I have things to do
And this waiting is tough!!!

Have a great day. I will patiently wait for mine to get better (hah)

Detachment ?

My son and I have very minimal contact now.
I spoke ( via text ) to him last night. I had texted him on New Years Eve wishing him a happy new year. He did not reply back. Last night his text was about a health issue he is having. At the tail end of the conversation, I asked him why he did not reply to my new year's text. He told me that his new year is not happy so why text back. I said ok and good night and that was the end of the conversation.
I've changed.
It didn't even phase me that he was upset that I would not be drawn into his problems.
I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
I read blogs where parents have detached but still seem more caring and loving than I am feeling right now. They reach out and are able to have loving conversations and even visitations with their addicted loved ones.
I can't seem to do this. I am afraid to let my guard down, even a little. I'm afraid if I do, I will get sucked in.
My son did eat Christmas dinner at my home, but I was ready for him to leave after a couple of hours.
I felt myself getting angry that he was still there. I wanted to go to my sister's as planned and he was prolonging his visit. I had to be the "bad guy" once again and remind him that we had plans and we needed to drop him off.  I could tell he was hurt but I didn't react to his hurt at all.
I guess I am not ready yet. I am getting worried that perhaps I never will be........

TO MY CHILD

THE DAY YOU WERE BORN

MY HEART ACHED SWEETLY

FULL OF PROMISE AND HOPE

I LOVED YOU COMPLETELY

THE SWEET ACHE CONTINUED

AS I WATCHED YOU GROW

I PATCHED UP YOUR BOO-BOO'S

PLAYED WITH YOU IN THE SNOW

YOU GREW INTO A TEEN

AND THE SWEET ACHE STILL GREW

YOUR PLAYED SOCCER, GUITAR

FELL IN LOVE A TIME OR TWO

I WISH I COULD PINPOINT

WHEN THAT SWEET ACHE GAVE WAY

TO A PAIN AND A FEAR

FOR YOUR LIFE EVERY DAY

THAT SWEET ACHE  I HAD

FULL OF PROMISE AND HOPE

HAS BEEN REPLACED BY A HATRED

OF A MONSTER CALLED DOPE

PLEASE GOD, HELP MY CHILD

THERE'S NO MORE I CAN DO

I'LL KEEP LOVING HIM

BUT GIVE HIM OVER TO YOU



Another Day, Another Damn Drama

My daughter informed me this morning that 4 dollars was missing from her wallet Saturday. She said she checked and rechecked but yes, it is missing.  My son has been working and just got paid on Friday. She is very insistent that the money is gone. Of course, as soon as she dropped me at work i called my son and told him what his sister said about missing money. He is adamant that he did not take her money. I told him that she is positive it is missing and if it comes to light that he took it , there will be consequences. He got very angry, said he is working and has his own money, why would he take it?
I'm tired of dealing with all of this. Thats pretty much it for now.

My Recovery Temp

My range is over 25 years old. It was there when we moved into our house 20 years ago and the previous owner had used it for several years prior to that. The past few years have been very challenging utilizing my "ghetto oven" as my kids lovingly call it. I have to constantly monitor the oven temperature when ever I make a meal. Nevertheless, I have had many successful dinners, including holiday dinners with "old yeller" (which is what I call her since she is old and yellow-gold).
Monitoring my oven temp is kind of like monitoring my "recovery temp". There are days that I have to keep "checking" , reminding myself that it's one day at a time and things will not happen as quickly as I want them to or think they should. Sometimes its an all day process ( like when I'm doing a holiday meal in my oven). I have to check and re-check the entire time. Sometimes it's not so much and I look at the thermometer and low and behold, it's holding steady right where I want it to be!
One of these years, I will get a new oven and no checking up may be required. I think that perhaps I will still do it though. My recovery is like that too. I may one day think I am finally new and improved but it won't hurt to check myself from time to time!